Royally Unique

Love, yes.
Joy, no.
Peace, most of the time.
Patience, shot.
Kindness, I think so.
Goodness, yeah.
Faithfulness, yes.
Gentleness, decent.
Self Control, not when it comes to chocolate.

I’m really losing it. I had a glimpse the other day of what I want my life to be like, and what it used to be like. Back when I would spend my morning drive singing praises to God. Back when I was joyful for no reason. Back when I thought of myself as the most patient person I knew.

I left work early. Because I can’t handle it anymore. I’m sick of “making everything a game,” I’m sick of the rules changing on me constantly. I’m sick of not having the help I was promised. I’m sick of failing at art projects, being prepared, and putting the pictures on the wall.

I feel like I have no life anymore. I wake up tired, go to work, come home and it’s a blur for three hours before I have to go to bed again. I have a million things I need to get done but I feel I have no time. And when I do have time, I have no enthusiasm to do it.

I miss my friends, I miss my stories, I miss dancing.

I feel like a fake, every day pretending everything’s fine and forcing excitement for my job.

Yet at the same time, life isn’t quite that horrible. I really have nothing to complain about. And I’m trusting that God is going to take care of us like He promised.

And even though I’m depressed… I’m not. It makes no sense.

I feel like a contrast. Like I equal myself out. Maybe that’s why I cry every day.

God’s timing is pretty cool. Yesterday I was going to drive my parents’ vehicle to work and let Linus have the car but the only vehicle there (thanks to T-Mobile shutting down so I couldn’t contact my parents in advance) was the van. One of the brakes is locking (yet my dad said I could still drive it. It was skidding and such. Does that sound like something you want to risk? Not me.). So I decided to just change my shift at work. At least I got to sleep in! So since I didn’t have to worry about when I woke up, I was able to a) drive to the store and buy cookie stuff to replace the cookies I burned for my poor husband, and b) tell a friend I hadn’t seen in a while that she could come visit and stay till probably 10 as opposed to 8.

Turned out, she REALLY needed someone to talk to. And I was actually in more of a talkative mood (normally when people talk to me about certain issues I assume they know how I feel about their situations and don’t bother talking because who wants to be told, “you shouldn’t have done that in the first place” or “I told you so” type stuff?) but I was able to talk more and maybe helped her a little.

And I may do a photoshoot soon, so I’m excited!

AND OH MY WORD!!! My computer just turned off (stupid electrical outlets in this house) and this is the first time I’ve ever been closed from THIS site and everything I typed was still there! I’m impressed.

So yesterday, my husband’s dad said he needed a ride. Linus and I were going to watch Long Vacation (a Japanese drama) and we watched the opener before Linus said, “I have to take dad somewhere.” I asked where but he didn’t know. I hoped it was just a trip to the store. He put on Stranger than Fiction (I’ve seen it like, twice before, but it just seemed so much better this time! I love that movie.) and said, “watch this” then left. I was in the mood to work on a story and was attempting to (I’m having trouble with it right now) and then Samson asked if we could play Rock Band (my late birthday present!). I debated, not really wanting to, being in story mode, so I texted Linus. “When do you think you’ll be home?” “I don’t know.” No help. I texted again, “where are you going, or do I not get to know?” “Driving. Bye.”

From that, I realized it would probably be a surprise somehow. I didn’t dwell too much on it though. So I agreed to the game and got to sing all my favorite songs on it, then we agreed to be done at about noon. Somewhere in the middle of this, Linus called and said they were at Costco, asking if I wanted anything. My list was simple: Orange Dark Chocolate and a pomagranite. After that I put my movie back on. It finished, and I tried to find a new one to watch while working on my story still. Nothing seemed too exciting and I had to use the bathroom. On the way I thought I heard the beginning of my phone’s ring tone (kind of like a bell sound) but it didn’t ring. It was enough to creep me out so I’d lock the front door. After the locking, and before I could reach the bathroom, my husband tried to get in. I guess the sound was his keys!

So they didn’t get a pomagranite because they only sold them in huge bulks (I only wanted one) and they couldn’t find the chocolate .

I said, “You acted all secretive about it, I thought there was going to be some surprise or something!”
“There is a surprise,” Linus’s dad (from here on, he’ll be referred to as LD) said, “You have to close your eyes, stand on your head…”
“Nevermind, I’m sure it’s not worth it!” I joked.
“No, it is,” he said. (Apparently he wasn’t joking) “You do have to close your eyes.”

Since I still hadn’t gotten to the bathroom, they agreed that I could just stay in there until they were ready with whatever it was. FINALLY I got to come out, and the surprise was…..!!!

A pink wireless computer mouse.

Yay?

I wasn’t going to act ungrateful so I said thanks, and pretended it was worth the hype… though I was confused.

“Oh, it goes with this box,” LD said, handing me a box.

And TA DAA!!! My very own NEW laptop computer.

The pink mouse made a whole lot more sense!

Holy cow! LD wanted to get this for me for my birthday but didn’t have the money then. Late birthday present #2!

My first laptop was The Black Pearl, since I was into the PotC and it was black, and just seemed awesome. Plus it was a used computer and so it just seemed to fit. This one will be named something about a ninja. Right now it’s tentative name is The Black Ninja, but I want it to be something that belongs to a ninja and something that I can relate to. I can’t relate to anything from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon since I didn’t like that movie too much (I may like it better now. It bothered me the first time I saw it though) so I might find something from DOA3. Suggestions are helpful but may not be used. I’ll blog the new name when I come up with it!

*AAAAA* (that’s the angelic chorus you hear when great things happen–know what I mean?)

I got inspired to finally FINISH a story. Especially when, at the convention today, I saw a book that Usborne sells this book “My Japan.” I’m a little confused since Usborne aquired Kane/Miller (I tried to google it but don’t have the patience right now to look deep into it, so far those are the words I found to explain what happened) so I don’t know if it’s considered an Usborne book, or a Kane/Miller book, but either way, I saw that someone wrote a foreign book to help us silly Americans understand the CULTURE of another country. That’s right, it even shows how they fold blankets and explains that you should wear slippers when you go to the bathroom.

It made me mad that I don’t have my ABC French book done yet (title is still under construction).

So I JUST NOW finished the FIRST DRAFT!!!

Psyched!

More psyched than when I found a picture of Jeanine Mason to be perfect for my storycrafter character who needed a makeover. And that still makes me giddy even after a couple days!

So, husband gets to read first draft, I will take notes and make edits. Next draft goes to mother since my poor mom hasn’t read like, any but maybe two of the millions of stories I write (if you ever saw them you’d kind of understand. They tend to be… violent… or lame… or lacking a plot… and I’m extremely self conscience when it comes to my stories). Then friends get to see what comes after that. Be excited! This should be finished by the end of December! Yay!

(keep in mind, this is a book I wanted to write to teach preschoolers the French alphabet and vocabulary, so don’t expect too much!)

Ok so I got annoyed with all the drafts I had. I wondered why I had so many. Now, a few are just some venting that I don’t need posted on the internet, but most of them should have been posted! So that’s what’s with all the new ones down below this. They’re all in order too, so like, go to the first one that says something about being an old post, and then work your way up to this. That is if you even care about it. They’re not important. It was just important for me to get them off my drafts list.

I went to a bonfire with some friends that are actually Tigger’s friends. I remembered WHY we don’t hang out with them often. In like, a restaurant where it’s just the four of us (They’re another married couple) it’s fine because I can actually find something to talk about. In a setting where ANYONE else is with them… well let’s just say that Tig and the girl reminisced about high school for at least a half hour, her husband hung out with his friends who were watching porn on one’s cell phone (the husband was like, glancing now and then to see what they were talking about) and talking about getting arrested for drug dealing, and getting in big fights and stuff…

It had actually been a while since I felt completely out of place. I kind of had fun though, because those were just some chunks of what happened. I was able to join a few conversations, but I still was glad when we left.

I’m not content with my life because I feel I have no time to do anything. Now that my husband goes to school early in the morning, I get to drive him to his carpool destination at 4:30, go back to sleep if I can until 7, get up and go to work, get home around 5 and have about three hours before bedtime. I hate this schedule.

Maybe I shouldn’t have wasted the last hour sitting here on the computer…

Have you ever had a friend who never really did anything wrong but was just kind of draining? Like, every time you talked to her, you knew she had certain views on the world and there were some discussions you couldn’t get into because you knew she didn’t agree with you, and suddenly you realized you don’t really want to be friends anymore? I feel bad because I don’t want to just cut off everything, but I see no reason to be friends anymore. We didn’t really talk much in the first place, and I realized she’s not as sensible as I thought.

I’m sure it’s not the nicest thing to say, but that’s how I feel. Thinking about her just drains me now.

I sold more books yesterday and it was fun! Not as amazing as the first day, but close enough. And this time, my husband got the day off tho help me. That was SO very helpful and you rock, Sweetheart!

The odd thing was, I barely ate yesterday. I forgot breakfast. Tigger went out to get snacks and came back with a wide variety. I only ate a small bit of each thing. Half a bagel with cream cheese, Wheat Thins with cream cheese, a few strawberry Whoppers, a couple chocolate chip cookies, two mini caramel rice cakes, some kippered fish on a few more Wheat Thins, one dark chocolate truffle, one string cheese, and the chocolate milk and Fuze drinks that I didn’t even finish. I didn’t have anything for lunch or dinner. Just basically tasted a bunch of snacks. I didn’t feel sick or anything, I just simply wasn’t hungry.

On Thursday, Tigger informed me he wanted to see Kung Fu Panda’s midnight showing. (He actually did bring it up once before–to someone else, though I happened to overhear) So he invited a few friends, Chloe, and the guy who thought his new nickname was Chloe. Tig tried to get “Ella” to come but she wasn’t even in town. I invited my brother, then realized I’d be the only girl on this trip. So I tried to invite Death, and a friend I haven’t seen in a while, but both had school things going on. And then my brother bailed on us last minute.

So, thanks a lot, Not-Chloe, because while we waited for you to arrive, it was just me, Tig, and Chloe. You know how they do those inside jokes and talking in hushed sign so we can’t see what they’re talking about? Yeah, I had to deal with that. Okay so they didn’t really sign much, but I did have to deal with the jokes and reminiscing.

Anyway, so we hung out at a restaurant for a while until, then headed out to the theater. I don’t know why we didn’t just wait there at the restaurant, because we ended up waiting… two hours? Until the movie started. They actually let us in about 45 minutes early (something like that). When the movie finally began, it was GREAT! I loved it!

I have issues. I bought these cute earrings the other day and was so happy about them… then decided they really aren’t me and I want to take them back. I also bought this amazing necklace from Hot Topic… that I’ll probably take back.

Why do I buy things that aren’t me? Why do I like things that I’ll regret later? Why does it seem so… harmless, yet I regret it so much later?

And so here I am, awake at six. Something woke me up–difficulty breathing because it was so warm? I don’t know. But I’m not complaining because I DID get eight hours of sleep, and I do like waking up early. Well, I like the IDEA of waking up early, but it doesn’t often happen that way. But yeah, something woke me and I had too much on my mind to try and go back to sleep.

See there are these people I’d like to talk to (I was talking to them all night in my dream) and from what I’ve seen, it seems like they think I’m a cool person and all. The only problem is, I don’t know how well I can trust that. Almost everyone they’re around seems to think otherwise about me–or at least did. And then what if I do start talking to them again, how am I to know what’s going to be said behind my back again? I hate not knowing if I can trust someone–especially if I REALLY feel like I can and should.

And then I’m procrastinating on talking to someone I DON’T exactly trust, and am sure that something will happen down the road to hurt me, yet I know I need to talk to this person. Grr.

You know what I feel? I feel defeated.

I feel like everyone around me is pushing for stuff I don’t believe in. I try to speak up, I try to take a stand, but nobody will listen to me. And when I set certain rules, they get broken anyway.

So I’m done with that. I’m tearing down the rules.

I’d rather have something happen that simply bothers me… than someone not only doing it, but breaking a promise to do it.

And the worst problem is–even my best friends can only comfort me oh-so-much.

I’ve already known I was different… I didn’t realize I was quite THIS different.

And right now I’m not thrilled about it.

I’m not depressed either.

For now, I’m just… okay.

I really love this following song:

“People say that I’m amazing
strong beyond my years
but they don’t see inside of me
I’m hiding all my tears

-Twila Paris