Royally Unique

Okay seriously, how many people have you heard have a problem when birthing at home? Out of the ones I know who birthed at home, I haven’t heard of ANY of them having complications. No deaths, no rushes to the hospital, no problems.

How many complications do you get at a hospital? Way more than you can count. Plenty of deaths or near-deaths, way too many “emergency” c-sections, plenty of infections…

If my midwife says I can have my baby at home, I will be just fine, thank you very much.

I’m just a little frustrated because my poor cousin has the hospital’s agenda jammed into her head. So they say it can be horrible to drink some wine while pregnant, even if you’re really close to the end. Well, of all the women I know who followed the careful criteria (wine, not hard alcohol, 3rd trimester, only a small amount, etc), their children are just fine. My baby won’t have any issues just because I had about 2 ounces of wine to stop early contractions. If a doctor wants to yell at me for that, I’ll yell back at them wanting me to risk my baby’s life by letting her come out early. And I’m sick of people telling me to just rest and that’ll make the contractions stop, because that’s when they get worse!

Anyway, so my cousin is sweet and looking out for me, but instead of saying, “well, the doctors are saying this,” or “you should be careful about this” she’s flat out saying “don’t do this” without any real reason of WHY. Like, I should have my baby at a birthing center just in case something goes wrong. Well, the birthing center doesn’t do c-sections, there’s probably more they don’t do, so I have just as much risk of having to transfer to a hospital if I’m there. If I can have my baby at my mother-in-law’s house, we’re not that far from a really good hospital, though I don’t know what I think about the one that’s near the birthing center. And regarding the wine, she never told me just WHAT was wrong with it. If you’re going to flat out tell me what to do or not do, have a reason, and it better be a good one. If you don’t have a good reason, then give me a suggestion, not an order.

I know, she means well, I’m just upset because I can’t think of a nice way to respond to her about this stuff without sounding like a) I’m okay with hurting my baby, b) I don’t care about her advice, or c) I’m arguing with her, so I’m just going to ignore it and vent on here.

She said that when she has a good friend, she is totally loyal, puts in one hundred percent. I’d like to know if this is just when she’s not feeling depressed, because I certainly don’t get that, and I was the one who put all that effort into the friendship. I know not to take it too personally, since she is fighting this depression and needs healing from past family things. I’m just feeling rather lonely tonight. It feels like I’m losing all my friends. There’s the ones who live too far to hang out with, the ones who are always just out of reach (you know, the “we need to hang out soon!” friends who you never actually hang out with), and of course, those who have done something to break my trust.

*sigh* I shouldn’t be left to stay awake until whenever I want without proper supervision (i.e. someone worthy of conversation). I think I’ll go to bed soon and hope the dreams don’t bother me as much as my conscious thoughts do.

I forgive, but I can’t forget since that causes incidents to reoccur. Forgiving doesn’t mean I’m happy. Still caring about those people doesn’t mean I want to be around them.

Some people just don’t get what one mistake can do: when trust is broken, just how hard it can be to build it up again. There are some things that just aren’t acceptable or easy to handle after these things. Right now, I am not okay with it, and I have no idea how I’ll feel in a few months.

I think what I want most is for people to say “I understand how you feel and I will go out of my way to not cause you any more problems” and to understand first what those things might be so that they can actually stick to this. I know, we’re all human, and I can’t expect people to read my mind, so I’m only venting here my fleshly frustrations so that I don’t take it out on the people who just don’t quite get it yet. Then I can talk calmer to them about what I see as a problem.

And I can’t even give up because I don’t know how.

You know that moment when you’re in a car, the driver is taking you to her house to babysit, so you don’t exactly have control over the music, and they’re listening to country, and a certain song comes on that makes you want to hurl because of a certain incident that has stained it for you, and you think maybe now would be a nice time to chat with the driver, or suggest another station, but then she starts to sing to the song? Yeah. That sucks.

Tune in next time for another episode of “Which of my Friends will be a Complete Idiot Today?”

I think it’ll be hard to enjoy my birthday tomorrow when a nice chunk of people in my life have betrayed my trust and I don’t know who to trust anymore.

On top of hating my birthday, I also hate ceremonies now. I’m sick of graduations and weddings… Is it time to just ditch this life and start over in a new fricken country yet?

I’m pretty sure my heartbeat has increased in the last few months. That along with adrenaline from talking to friends, and staying up a little late to pack for today and tomorrow, it took over an hour to get to sleep last night. It was at least 11:30, probably close to midnight before I fell asleep. I know I woke up once or twice in the night, then the alarm went off at 3:50 for “Drive Your Husband To Work” day. My mistake, because I was supposed to give myself an extra ten minutes, but Tigger has that gift of being able to fall asleep in a minute (the guy will think he can’t sleep if he’s still awake after 5-10 minutes of trying. I don’t have trouble sleeping until I’ve been awake after an hour of trying) so he got to sleep an extra twenty minutes while I got to lay there failing to fall asleep again.

So I drove him to work, then to the in-laws to get some sleep. Well, by this point it was already too late, my stomach had begun to growl and demand food. I forgot to pack myself anything but a snack, so dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds it was.

Maybe that helped keep me awake. Maybe it’s the excitement of reviving a story with someone. Maybe it’s just because I was awake too long. I did try for about half an hour, and I can feel my body telling me how tired I am after 4-4 1/2 hours of sleep, but my stomach kept yelling at me, my nose decided to act up, and my brain just wouldn’t shut up.

So I’m awake, and somewhat bored. I didn’t expect the in-laws to be here still but they are and I don’t want to wake them so I’m going to stay quietly in the guest room. With my trusty laptop.

My heart swells inside me, threatening to burst and scream. Oh that it would for words fail me, my feelings only confuse me. If only my heart could come out and explain it all for me.